I’m not sure how exactly, but this happened today:

No, you aren’t seeing double, there really are TWO KONGS pictured. And both are there solely for the snacking pleasure of just one Siddhartha Lamont.

Sid just kept repeating “The numbers check out” and “I did the math” while frantically slurping out peanut butter from Kong #1 as his eyes maintained steady watch of Kong #2.

Well, hello there!  Wow!  Welcome, everybody, to Planet Cool Sid’s Guide to Living!  On today’s show, we’re going to talk about KONGS!

KING KONG (HAHAHA – I’M HILARIOUS!!)

We all love our Kongs, right?!  I know I do!  But, have you ever gotten a Kong toy stuffed with peanut butter and carrot bits and you spend, like, twenty minutes enjoying its yummyness but then its EMPTY and as much as you bark at it, no more yums appear inside it, so you just give up and sulk in the corner with some second-rate squeaker toy that isn’t even edible and whose lack of flavor makes you curse the universe that we live in??  Yeah, me too, my friends. Me too.

Stupid Empty Kong

Well, guess what?

That Kong that you love?  It’s actually EVIL.  Sometimes, even though your Kong looks empty, it’s actually still filled with microscopic morsels of peanut buttery goodness that it’s decided to keep for its own selfish gain.  Here’s how to make sure you get every last bit of tasty goop from your Kong nemeses.

Step 1:  Study your Kong from afar.  Get to know its shape, its color, how it spends its alone time, where it hides its secrets.

Look into its soul.

Step 2:  Use the information you’ve learned in Step 1 to weasel your way into your Kong’s circle of trust.  Remember the old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer?  Well, I’m not totally sure that applies to this situation, but it’s the only adage I know so let’s pretend it does.

You can trust me, Kong.  I’m on your side.

Step 3: The Interrogation.  You can probably reveal your true identity and motives at this point, as well.  That’s what they do in the Batman movies, anyway.

Where are you hiding the last of the peanut butter, Kong?  

WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE PEANUT BUTTER!!

Step 4:  If your Kong is anything like my Kong, it probably won’t talk.  Just stick the whole Kong in your mouth for a while until it frees those last bits of peanut butter from its dungeon of evil.

NOM-NOM-YUM-NOM-NOM-OOH-THAT’TH GOOD-NOM-NOM

Nom-slurp-nom Thtep Four can take hourth, but it’th worth every thecond!

That’th it for thith week’th Planet Cool Thid’th Guide to Living Nom-nom.  I’m your hotht, Thidartha Lamont.  From all of uth here at Pug Thlope, thankth for watching, and remember, nom-nom-nom, there’th no thuch thing ath an empty Kong!  Vive le Pug!

Hey everybody!  Part Two of Sid’s Manhattan adventure starts NOW:

So, Sid survived the subway, and after meeting up with Grammy Grace, Uncle Jay and Auntie Chiho in Washington Square Park, we made our way over to the West Village.

We were looking for a place to brunch, but stumbled onto a street fair / farmer’s market – dangerous territory for a food-crazy pug.

Luckily, we were able to get a table at a great wood-fired pizza place with outdoor seating before Sid noticed any of discarded churros or abandoned squash blossoms that lined the pavement around the farmer’s market.  We were seated right near the sidewalk so all the passersby could see that this was the place where the cool pugs eat.

Sid’s Five-star Yelp review: “OMG, I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE, BUT THEIR PEANUT-BUTTER-FILLED KONG BONES TASTED JUST LIKE THE PEANUT-BUTTER-FILLED KONG BONES MY MOM AND DAD MAKE FOR ME AT HOME.”

After the meal, Sid was ready for a nap, but there was still more fun to be had!  Back to Washington Square!

Manhattan can be exhausting.  Some tired tourists make their way through central park in a horse-drawn carriage.  Others rest their aching feet in the back of a pedicab en route to a Broadway show.

Sid gets carried around Greenwich Village by his mother.

Yup.

It’s okay, though, because he needed the rest.  See, he met a new friend out on the street, and his friend told him about this “spot at the bottom of the square where all the small dogs get their ya-yas out, and it’s real hush-hush, ya’see, but if you’re cool and speak their lingo, you might just find yourself havin’ a real good time – a real good time, if you catch my drift.  ‘Cause these small dogs aren’t like you Brooklyn small dogs.  These small dogs live in Manhattan, the island of opportunity, the island of down is up and up is down and who’s walkin’ who?  That’s right, Mom and Dad, I’m walkin’ you.  These small dogs eat treats for breakfast, and treats for lunch, and treats for snacks in between breakfast and lunch – and for dinner?  MORE TREATS.  So if you play your cards right and do what I do, you might just get a taste of what we’re cookin’ out here, but just a taste, my flat-faced friend, ’cause IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.”

Well it’s finally getting warmer here. We had a day last week that was just gorgeous. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Sid was feverishly chomping on his Kong.

Let me back up a minute.

Jenn and I both work from home, so we were lucky enough to be able to bring our lunch outside and eat on the stoop. The stoop is a great place to hang out as there are always people, dogs, and kids passing by. As an added bonus, the front of our building gets a lot of sun, so it was nice to be able to soak in some rays and replenish our Vitamin D supply.

In order to keep the Hooth occupied while we ate, we loaded up the Kong with his favorite comestibles: apples slices, venison jerky, and peanut butter. Yeah, I know – It makes me a little nauseous to think of it all mixed together, too.

He, however, has no such fear of exotic flavor combinations and within minutes had propped up the Kong into the ideal peanut-butter-slurping position.

Who needs a knife and fork when you’ve got a well-trained tongue?

Unfortunately, the poor little guy doesn’t realize that the Kong eventually does get empty. He has tried barking at the Kong, but so far that hasn’t proved successful. He’s wizened up a little though, and now he gazes at us when he wants the Kong refilled. How can we say no to that happy face?!

If there’s one thing that a pug knows, it’s that life is hard.

Sometimes life is so hard you want to just flop halfway out of your bed onto the cold, unyielding floor, just so you can feel something, you know?

Like, when your favorite treat bone has been empty for two whole hours, and it’s just sitting right there!  Right there on the floor! Taunting you, reminding you of the good times you once had, when treats were bursting from each of its chewy ends, peanut butter, apples, and venison jerky spilling in every direction, a bounty so plentiful you could hardly keep up…

And now?  Nothing.

Just an empty bone…

and nothin’ but the cold, hard floor to make you feel alive.

The End.

Last Saturday we woke up and realized that for the first time since we’d arrived in Brooklyn we had absolutely no errands to run.  No trips to Ikea out in Red Hook.  No treks up to the Container Store near Union Square.  No crowded subway rides to the TriBeCa Bed Bath and Beyond.

So what to do?  Picnic in the park, of course!

[ continue… ]