Oh, why, hello there, dear friend.  Don’t you look lovely today!  Why, yes, the weather is quite temperate and delightful.  What’s that you ask?  What’s this amazingly awesome super-amazing thing I’m doing?

Oh, it’s no big deal.  I’m just CHEWIN’ ON MY SQUEAKER.

OMG GUYS – first things first – this is the last week to contribute to Sid’s Treat Fund!!!  We’re already raised a spectacular $605 towards replenishing my treat funds after my parents used all my treat money to get the wart colonies off my face and get me off steroids and get me tested for allergies and get me started on allergy shots – THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENSURING THAT I WILL NOT GO WITHOUT TREATS!!!  YOU GUYS ARE ALL WELCOME TO VISIT PLANET COOL SID VIA ROCKET SHIP ANYTIME EVEN IF YOUR PASSPORTS AND VISAS AREN’T UP TO DATE!!! My treat jar will be up on the blog until September 1st, so tell all your friends to tell their friends and so on and so on – and remind them that if they contribute to my treat fund, they’ll get all sorts of COOL stuff.  Here’s the link to the original post with all the goodies and info:  SID’S TREAT FUND.

Now, back to this squeaker business.  HOLY MOLEY, GUYS. THIS IS GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND.

You know all your toys that you love cause they’re all fluffy and fuzzy and soft and you like to nestle with them and nurture them and care for them because you really could’a been a good pop someday if things had turned out differently but somebody decided to neuter you so you just have to deal with it, and really, honestly, every time you chew on these toys they squeak, which is awesome, but they only squeak with you squeak them, whereas if you were actually a dad and these were little mini-Sids they’d have their own independent mini-brains so they’d be squeaking whenever they want to squeak and soon they’d get older and they’d have their own hopes and dreams and ideas about how much time they want to spend with their awesome dad and they’d find their own Timothy Buttons and they’d go A WHOLE WEEK without calling but you’d be okay with it because you want them to be competent pugs with happy lives but you just wish those lives involved more time with their FATHER and, you know what, if you bark at your toys, they’re never going to bark back, and your toys aren’t going to leave you unless you leave them which you’d NEVER do and…

IF YOUR TOY GETS RIPPED YOU CAN OPEN IT UP AND THERE’S THIS AWESOME PLASTIC SQUEAKER INSIDE.  Can’t do that with a kid, that’s for sure.

Now, this squeaker needs no nurturing.  In fact, all this squeaker needs is to be repeatedly tossed into the air by your parents so you can catch it in your shark-like JAWS OF STEEL.

Over.

And over.

And over again.

Okay, I kinda whiffed that last one, but that’s more because of Dad’s throwing than my catching.

Yeah, that’s the one downside about squeaker-toss – the HUMANS have to be involved.  Which means it turns into A WHOLE PROCESS.

FIRST they make me “Leave it,” which means I can’t touch it until they say “Okay.”

GIVE ME A BREAK.

Sometimes I try to touch the squeaker anyway (treats, too, when they make me leave them), but Mom and Dad are real sticklers for stupid rules.

FIGHT THE POWER!

Then Dad counts to three (why three?  who knows) and throws the squeaker into the air.  If I’m lucky, he throws it somewhere in my general direction.  Otherwise I must compensate for his lack of throwing abilities.

SIGH

And then, once we’re all tired, I just get to lie in my bed and chew on it until my parents go out or something because heaven forbid I be trusted to not SWALLOW a giant disk of plastic that I LOVE and would do ANYTHING to protect.

SID + SQUEAKS 4EVA

(Oh, and Mom says I’m also supposed to tell you guys to make sure the little squeaker mechanism in the squeaker isn’t swallowed by any cr-cr-crazy pugs out there…she lets me chew it until the squeaker mechanism gets loose, and then she pulls that little whistle part out, and then I just get to play with the non-squeaking giant disk part, which, honestly, is the best part anyway so BLERGH TO YOU, Mom)

SQUEAK SQUEAK!!

OMG, you guys, I just did a photo-shoot for my upcoming memoir, Profiles in Flap-Flippage by Sir Siddhartha Lamont Pug, the King of Planet Cool Sid and the Only Sane Mammal Living at the Pug Slope Headquarters, who rose to Staggering Heights using only the Power of his Flippable Muzzle Flaps and Who Really Should be Eating Right Now, I mean, Really, People, Get this Pug Some Food CAN’T YOU TELL HE’S STARVING; forward by Miss Timothy Buttons.  

Well, hello there!  Wow!  Welcome, everybody, to Planet Cool Sid’s Guide to Living!  On today’s show, we’re going to talk about KONGS!

KING KONG (HAHAHA – I’M HILARIOUS!!)

We all love our Kongs, right?!  I know I do!  But, have you ever gotten a Kong toy stuffed with peanut butter and carrot bits and you spend, like, twenty minutes enjoying its yummyness but then its EMPTY and as much as you bark at it, no more yums appear inside it, so you just give up and sulk in the corner with some second-rate squeaker toy that isn’t even edible and whose lack of flavor makes you curse the universe that we live in??  Yeah, me too, my friends. Me too.

Stupid Empty Kong

Well, guess what?

That Kong that you love?  It’s actually EVIL.  Sometimes, even though your Kong looks empty, it’s actually still filled with microscopic morsels of peanut buttery goodness that it’s decided to keep for its own selfish gain.  Here’s how to make sure you get every last bit of tasty goop from your Kong nemeses.

Step 1:  Study your Kong from afar.  Get to know its shape, its color, how it spends its alone time, where it hides its secrets.

Look into its soul.

Step 2:  Use the information you’ve learned in Step 1 to weasel your way into your Kong’s circle of trust.  Remember the old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer?  Well, I’m not totally sure that applies to this situation, but it’s the only adage I know so let’s pretend it does.

You can trust me, Kong.  I’m on your side.

Step 3: The Interrogation.  You can probably reveal your true identity and motives at this point, as well.  That’s what they do in the Batman movies, anyway.

Where are you hiding the last of the peanut butter, Kong?  

WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE PEANUT BUTTER!!

Step 4:  If your Kong is anything like my Kong, it probably won’t talk.  Just stick the whole Kong in your mouth for a while until it frees those last bits of peanut butter from its dungeon of evil.

NOM-NOM-YUM-NOM-NOM-OOH-THAT’TH GOOD-NOM-NOM

Nom-slurp-nom Thtep Four can take hourth, but it’th worth every thecond!

That’th it for thith week’th Planet Cool Thid’th Guide to Living Nom-nom.  I’m your hotht, Thidartha Lamont.  From all of uth here at Pug Thlope, thankth for watching, and remember, nom-nom-nom, there’th no thuch thing ath an empty Kong!  Vive le Pug!

Ermagersh, guys.  So, I’ve been sitting up here at the new PLANET COOL SID / Pug Slope Headquarters, and it’s been fine and everything, but I’m way too far away from Timothy Buttons’ house now for daily play dates, and it’s been too hot and mugg-tastic to meet her in the park, so I’ve had to be content with just visiting her Tumblr once a day and reminiscing about our days in the South Slope.

I mean, she came up here to the new HQ that one day, and I showed off my couch climbing skillz and I didn’t even need a confidence shirt (hey, Weasley – lookin’ good, little man!), but I’m so mad at myself because I didn’t even, like, pay attention to her or listen to her while she was blabberin’ away about whatever ladies blab about because I just wanted to show off my mad skillz and pose for pictures.  At the old HQ, she used to come over all the time, so I guess I may have taken her presence for granted.

Wearing my inner confidence shirt.  Oh, and Timothy’s there on the right.

BUT THEN I FOUND SOMETHING OUT THAT MADE ME VERY CONFUSED.

I went to go look at Timothy’s Tumblr today on Mom’s computer, and Mom had left her iPhoto open, and there were all of these NEW photos with Timothy Buttons and I don’t remember being at any of these photo sessions which means MY MOM has been hanging out with MY LADY without MY KNOWLEDGE!!

Apparently she walks all the way down to T-Buttzville WITHOUT ME three (3!) times a week, and they talk about me or look at pictures of me or make fun of me or plan pranks they’re going to play on me or WHATEVER.  I mean, maybe they don’t even talk about me at all, but that’s too horrible to even think about, because if they’re not talking about me, then who or what are they talking about??!  WHAT ARE THEY DOING WITHOUT ME?!

Here’s what I can gather from the photos:

THEY GO SNIFFING IN THE PARK!?@!

THEY HAVE JIMMY CONTESTS!!?@#!

THEY DRESS UP LIKE EDGAR WINTER!!!?@!

THEY FEED EACH OTHER BACON!!!@?@#

Ahem…I apologize for raising my voice…it’s just…BACON?!?!!!!!!?!REALLY?!!?!

I mean, I guess it’s good that my mom and my lady get along, but I’m not sure how I feel about this…

Howdy, awesome, awesome friends!  I’m not gonna spend a lot of time typing today because there’s a big storm coming our way and I want to make sure I get my newest PLANET COOL SID video up here before I need to start barking at the thunder.  Enjoy!!

Okay, guys, this one’s gonna be quick ’cause my Timothy Buttons is chillin’ in the other room and she gets all grumpy when I don’t give her enough attention, even though today’s Sid Pick’s are all about HER and how she’s the APPLE of my EYE, which, by the way, is the best thing you could EVER call someone because apples are the best tasting fruit, and eyes are the things that allow you to see apples, so DUH, that means she, she – omgIambeingdistractedbyanactualapple–

AHEM – MY NAME IS MEESTER SID AND I THEENK TIMOTHY EES BEE-A-YOU-TEE-FULL TO BEE-HOLD, THA LUBLIEST LAIDEE IN ALLSA BROOKLYNNE, AND I THEENK THIS BLOG SHULD BE ALLS-ABOUTS THE LAIDEE TIMOTHY BUTTONS ALLS-OF-DA TIMES! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-DEE-DA-LA-LA-

DOOBEE-DOOBEE-DOO–LA-LA – – ACK!

(Hey, guys – Jenn here.  I took a break from packing and found Sid munching on an mysteriously obtained apple, and T-Buttz typing away on the laptop, creating a PLANET PRETTY TIMOTHY masthead…

…I swear, you turn your back for one second…)

Okay, guys, Mom says I can’t let Timothy distract me with apples or use the Photoshop until I get today’s Sid Picks up on the blog, so here we go:

First up, there’s Timothy’s first appearance on Pug Slope.  This was before she was my girlfriend, when I secretly hoped and wished she’d be my girlfriend but worried she wouldn’t want to date me since she was all tough and I’m more cool than tough.

Then there’s this post from the first time she came over to my house and we made a really awesome video.

Then there’s this post where we went swimming in the bathtub together and then we went to the park and it was awesome.

I love her.